Potentially the last

don’t really know how to start this blog today…I think I’ll just dive in.

The recovery after session 1 of cycle 3 wasn’t so good. I began experiencing terrible pains in the arm I had the chemo in. I tried icing my arm, warming it and massaging, but after suffering for three days I went to A&E. It was this visit that made me realise how much I had learnt about my cancer and the symptoms I suffer. I had an ultra sound scan to rule out a blood clot and I was sent home with 0ramorph (a liquid form of morphine).The pain went after about 4 days, but I’m sure I’ll have it back in a few days.

So Saturday, well where do I start with this one? The whole week I had been building myself up for what could potentially be the last chemo session – fingers crossed! Lots of people sent me messages prior to Saturday saying things like “last one wahoo” and “keep strong just one more to go.” But I couldn’t see it like that. I knew what I was in for. The day before chemo a nurse always calls to check you are coming for the chemo and makes sure I have no coughs, difficulty with breathing or a temperature. As soon as I put the phone down on the nurse my eyes filled up and I was crying like a baby. My stomach felt weak and all the symptoms I get after chemo were already happening…this was obviously psychological. I called my nurse at Barts and she suggested I did things to distract me and to relate the hospital to a positive time, of course this sounded like a great solution, however the mind is more powerful than we think and this was going to take practise.

Saturday morning I told myself I would take complete control over the situation. I had breakfast (as I knew I may not be eating for the rest of the day) and myself and Darren left for the hospital. This time round I took a face mask to wear for the hospital. I was trying to eliminate everything that makes me feel nauseas. From the moment I sat in the seat I went into a complete different zone. I was aware of everything, but I didn’t want to look around the unit nor did I want to speak to anyone. Myself and Darren didn’t speak throughout the day he checked I was ok and I nodded, I didn’t want anything or anyone to distract me.

I took my nurses advise and I decided to use imagery to get me through. I imaged that the chemo came from a sun flower and I pictured myself on a sunbed around a pool in Mexico. Mexico was one of the best holidays me and Darren went on… Thank the lord it helped me get through. I woke up yesterday with swollen fingers and a swollen face, my eyelashes have fallen out which could be making my eyes look a little puffy. My taste buds and smell are all over the place at the moment, but I am eating and drinking like normal. My cousin asked me the other day if I am sticking to my usual healthy diet. The answer to that is no. When you are unwell and losing weight the idea is to eat! I think. I like to drink a lot of fluids to keep my toilet game strong haha! For those that may experience constipation I find that manuka honey and boiled water (hot as you can) really helps, but I must add I do use Lactulose if I have to. However I try to use it as little as possible as it can irritate the bowel and that is painful.

So, to conclude todays blog, I am only on day two and we know that its around day 4 that my health deteriorates, I just hope its not too harsh.



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