Have you ever stopped still and watched the speed of life, the individuality of others choices and the repetitiveness of a daily routine?… This is me at the moment. I feel totally static yet their are a million things going on around me.
I haven’t blogged for a while because I haven’t had the motivation to explain, but today I feel like I want to. As I mentioned at the beginning of this journey the idea of this blog is not to pull on your heart strings, but to inform, update and help. I do not explain my story to make you feel sorry for me and to make out that I am the only one going through this. I use my own experiences to help you understand what this life is and for others like me to relate and share for awareness. So many unfortunate people are affected in some way and instead of hiding away like victims we should try to be big and bold and support one another.
Enough of me being informative, now I’ll explain what life has been since the last lot of chemo (2nd July 2016).
Wow, the weeks are flying by!
The last lot of chemo was emotional straining, without support from Darren and the nurse on the day unit I’m not sure I would have gone ahead with it. That same morning I was jumping around my bedroom showing Darren how to do the bogle, screaming out to my mum in the garden (not sure what I was screaming about) and generally just being me. As soon as we arrived at the hospital I began feeling sick. We walked into the lift and I covered my nose with my jumper because I couldn’t take the smell of the hospital. Chemo enhances your smell and taste – awful. I got into the day unit and I was in tears…I was scared! Up until then I had been so brave, open to all treatment and tests but for some reason I couldn’t stay calm. All of a sudden I had become resistant and angry. Whilst hysterically crying I told Darren I didn’t want to go ahead with the treatment and asked him numerous times to take me home, of course he said no! I explained to him that it was not his body going through this it was mine and I was done with it all. I hadn’t even had any chemo at that point and I was vomiting lots. All mentally provoked. Darren expressed that evening how much of a struggle it was for him to persuade me to stay. He said it was awful being hard on me, however he knew that I would have thanked him in the log run – and I did!
You can imagine how long that day was for me, we arrived at 12:30 and didn’t leave until 19:00. Like every chemo days I got into bed as soon as I arrived home. The nurse said I needed to go for a blood test the following Monday to get my neutrophil count checked. I did and I found that my neutrophils were very low again (0.4). Luckily I had a GCSF injection in the fridge at home, so I took that one and Barts had some more delivered to me the same day.
It feels like its getting harder, I have just one session left before I have an 8 week break prior to the PET scan. I cant see past it. I keep telling people that having this dark cloud in my life has stripped me from everything. Firstly, my hair is falling out lots more.. although I still try to make jokes about it. I wore the wig for the majority of Monday, despite the compliments I got from people I didn’t feel very confident wearing it. Can you imagine if it fell off? haha. Secondly, tiredness and fatigue gets me everyday. Within an hour of being awake I’m tired again. Thirdly, aches and pains. Currently I’m experiencing los of pain in my right arm (chemo arm). I refuse to take pain killers until the pain is unbearable. I have learnt during treatment that painkillers give me stomach pain after long and it slows recovery down…call me Dr Dunne haha. Lastly the daily routine I spoke about at the beginning of this blog. It will be so nice to get back to what I love: being active, going to the gym and socialising with no worry of getting tired. One thing I have noticed since I’ve been having treatment is that I forget the most simple things like peoples names, the next word in my sentence whilst getting tongue tide a lot. Is this normal?
To conclude, although I’m ill, I am ok. This health change has made me thankful for life, my family , friends and for the continued support I get daily. I hope this has a positive impact on your day as this is reality. I am a firm believer of trying to turn the struggles of life into positives and not to be so hung up on things for too long.
We are stronger than we really know.